mini therapy session

The past couple of months have been far from ideal. At the root of it all is this struggle to motivate myself, which honestly gets harder the longer this rut goes on. The only difference between this rut and previous ruts is that it's actually keeping me from making a living. So it needs to end, and I think I'm taking steps to get past it.

I'm not an extremely religious person anymore. I've been to two weddings this summer and that's the most I've been inside a church for months (maybe even years). I don't necessarily believe all of the teachings of the christian church, but what I do take from it is a sense of comfort. Comfort in the people who attend my church, who've seen me grow and despite my absence always make an effort to know how I'm doing when they see me. Comfort in the feeling of just walking into my church. That one is hard to explain, because I feel the same way any time I go to visit the Synod office (Lutheran church head office) where I used to work. It isn't just familiarity that comforts me, but every time I'm in either of those places I feel warm and unconditionally welcome. The people there are genuinely happy to see me.

Another thing that has always brought me comfort is this belief that if you step back, let things take their course, everything will eventually fall into place. It's happened several times that I can remember in my life. I've gone through this process: Unfortunate/inconvenient event happens, I lose focus, I stress out, I have a little breakdown, and soon after I'm presented with a newer (usually better) opportunity. It's happened so many times to me, on a much smaller scale, that I can't help but believe there is something or someone that is in control and looking out for me.

There's a hymn I've turned to in the past that pretty much sums up that belief. I have a couple versions of it on my iTunes, and I was listening this morning when both versions came up back-to-back. This is just the first verse, but it most closely encapsulates the way I choose to believe.

Be still, my soul...the Lord is on your side.
 Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
 leave to your God to order and provide;
 in every change God faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul...your best, your heavenly friend
 through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

The above drawing was really just something for myself, because I haven't just drawn for myself in a long time.