another rant (sorry)

You know, sometimes it irritates me how the smallest, stupidest thing can just throw you off and ruin your day. For me, that small, stupid thing was having "How much for the pudding, fatty?!" yelled at me by some assholes in a truck when I was on campus.

A big part of me is saying that those guys were just being extremely immature and whatever they said doesn't matter because, in the grand scheme of things, people who do things like that aren't likely to amount to anything.

But there's still this small part of me that's stung, and irritated at myself for letting something so stupid get to me. Who would make the effort to stick their head out of a moving car in downtown Indianapolis to yell something like that at somebody who was minding their own business? And of course it had to happen right before I left. So I had this whole car ride to Zionsville to dwell on it. I haven't been made fun of, to my face, since middle school. I'm 21 years old. These kinds of things aren't supposed to happen in college (which reinforces my opinion that those guys are immature assholes). I know I'm overweight, people.

Then this whole stung/insulted train of thought started to veer off into "why haven't I had a boyfriend yet" territory and that's where my day went downhill (not to mention I was on my way to a dentist appointment, which never helps brighten anybody's day). I am literally the only person that I know who has never had a boyfriend. I have never had any guy tell me they like me. Nobody's shown an interest. And I know it feels like I'm exaggerating, lamenting, generally feeling sorry for myself, but it's absolutely true.

I'd like to believe the reason for this is because they're intimidated by me. Because a young woman who knows who she is, what she wants, where she is, and for the most part where she's going, can be intimidating to men. I would absolutely love to believe that. But the thing is, appearance matters to guys my age. Hell, it matters to everybody. And I'm not, by society's definition, beautiful.

I know I've got the potential to be beautiful. I know I've got the kind of laid-back personality guys would love in a girlfriend. I know I've got the talent and the drive to go far and be happy. I know I'm a good person. Which makes this whole situation all the more frustrating.

I shouldn't be hung up on something yelled out of a passing truck by some idiot. I shouldn't be feeling sorry for myself. This irritation will pass by tomorrow, I know.

But for now I turn to Alanis Morissette for a quick emo moment:

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind



On a brighter note: the dentist was happy with the lack of stain on my teeth this time.

That's worth celebrating, yeah?




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